


Letters of the First Age: project management from Tol-in-Gaurhoth

by psychedaleka



Category: The Silmarillion and other histories of Middle-Earth - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: (un)expectedly angsty, Drug Use, Epistolary, Experimental Style, M/M, POV Outsider, Swearing, angband is a workplace comedy, because who am i kidding it's always angsty, i know nothing about museums and curating artifacts, questionable business practices, sorry this turned out more crack than i thought it would, these are absolutely not my headcanons for this couple but inspiration does what it will
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-05
Updated: 2021-01-24
Packaged: 2021-03-16 03:20:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 3,578
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28575156
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/psychedaleka/pseuds/psychedaleka
Summary: In the year 2021 of the Seventh Age, a series of ruins were found and subsequently unearthed beneath the sea. Presented here are the most complete series of letters we have to date, though they remain unreadable to most. We hope that as further information surfaces, the true history of what happened can come to light, mysteries will be revealed, and we, humanity, can further progress in our search for where we came from.A series of letters between Mairon and Melkor during Mairon’s time at Tol-in-Gaurhoth.
Relationships: Morgoth Bauglir | Melkor/Sauron | Mairon
Comments: 38
Kudos: 65





	1. Artifacts 02-05-00 to 02-05-03

Curator’s note: In the year 2021 of the Seventh Age, a series of ruins were found and subsequently unearthed beneath the sea. Among these were strange artifacts, including swords that do not rust (47-19-xx), luminescent tapestries (29-23-xx), and the bones of humanoid like entities (01-xx-xx). Stranger still were several series of letters in an unknown script, remarkably well preserved despite their tenure under the ocean. Carbon dating places them to around 15 000 years before the modern day. Presented here are the most complete series of letters we have to date, though they remain unreadable to most. We hope that as further information surfaces, the true history of what happened can come to light, mysteries will be revealed, and we, humanity, can further progress in our search for where we came from.

* * *

To Lord Melkor, King of Arda, ~~I appear to have forgotten further titles~~ , etc

As you will have already heard, the rout at Tol Sirion was a major success, driving out the Noldorin garrison under the command of ~~Odour~~ ~~Oreth~~ Orodreth. Minor losses were sustained, and the Balrogs were of ~~great~~ some aid in this. Much more, of course, was the result of my superior logistics and excellent strategy.

Construction has begun to repurpose what the elves called Minas Tirith into a fortress more suited to our own needs, complete with Dramatic Spikes, Ominous Chains, and our patented colour scheme. This is expected to be completed within the year, as damages sustained to the building itself were minimal. A renaming will take place soon.

Attached is a list of suggestions, for your approval, along with a detailed report of the battle and subsequent rebuilding.

I remain always, your devoted servant,

Mairon the admirable, also known as Gorthaur the cruel, Sauron the abhorred, etc

* * *

Sauron,

What, do tell, the FUCK was your last letter? Are you drunk? Are you high? _Very_ rarely am I concerned for your health and sanity (especially considering you work for me and I’ve seen you with an elf and a knife) but I really am. Did an elf hit you in the head too hard with a cannonball? Should I come over and check on you?

Since you’ll insist there’s nothing wrong with you, and you seem to love exhibits so much, here’s a (non comprehensive) list of what happened in the last letter:

Exhibit A: Your greeting, and I quote: “ ~~I appear to have forgotten further titles”~~

You’re the one who keeps coming up with fancy titles for me, so really? You’ve forgotten more?

Exhibit B: your report

“.... and that’s how we defeated the elves with the power of AWESOME” “so Gothmog went SMASH and the elves went BLERGH and I was like, BOOYAH” “I can’t believe Finrod Felagund has such an ugly decorating style seriously who uses yellow and gold at the same time”

Exhibit C: your naming suggestions

“Melkor’s juicy ass” “Finrod Felagund overcompensating for something with this giant tower” “we won and you lose suck it stupid elves” “isle of the awesomest maia to ever awesome: me”

Whatever has happened, STOP IT AT ONCE. I mean it. Don’t make me come over.

Melkor

(P. S. Dramatic Spikes? Ominous Chains? We have a patented colour scheme???)

* * *

My Lord Melkor, He Who Arises in Might, King of the whole world, Lord of Angband, greatest of the Valar, Master of Fate, Giver of Freedom, Most Generous Lord on this Side of the Sea, High Exalted One, Lord of Utumno, Breaker of the Lamps, Destroyer of Almaren, Master of the Silmarils, Slayer of the Two Trees, Vanquisher of Fingolfin, god among Men, the dread Dark Lord, Wielder of Grond, he who cloaks the land in darkness, lord of transformation, bane of Ungoliant, terror of the elves, he who rends the flesh of his enemies, etc

My deepest apologies for the previous letter. It was most untoward of me and will not happen again. I was, unfortunately, rather incapacitated as I wrote the letter. Our victory did not come without some minor difficulty, and I regret to say that I sustained some injuries in the battle. The healers prescribed poppy, though without a proper apothecary here, they were woefully unskilled with the dosage. This, of course, led to the situation which has (regrettably) occurred.

Do not fear, it was only a minor head wound, and I have healed by now.

Attached is the (legitimate) report and naming suggestions. My next letter will arrive within the month.

Mairon

P. S. You will find the naming conventions and colour scheme in the Official Angband Handbook (v.3.1).

* * *

Sauron,

I should have known mentioning the titles would be a bad idea. I must say, this report of yours is much more boring than the last one, and your suggestions far less, hmmm, captivating. I will admit to being partial to Tol-in-Gaurhoth, though.

If you didn’t have an apothecary, you should have mentioned something!! By now you should know that I’ve sent one with you. She’s highly recommended, apparently, though the orcs I asked didn’t seem too happy to be talking to me? I’m not entirely sure why— I’m great company, aren’t I?

You have NO IDEA how boring council meetings have become without you. I’ve fallen asleep SO MANY times, though no one seems to have noticed. Hurry up and come back.

M


	2. Artifacts 02-05-04 to 02-05-05

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A letter and a report: construction is not going well.

To my Lord Melkor,

I apologize for the fact that I am not drugged into incoherence by poppy every time I write to you. Though, if the construction continues to drag on the way it has so far, I may need it to get through the day. I have had to resort to more extreme measures to ensure productivity, though I am certain this will not need to continue for much longer. I have made an effort to make this report more entertaining to you, though I must admit it was incredibly difficult to make a Comprehensive Statement of Materials anything other than a series of numbers.

I must admit to being without words for your problems with council meetings, though I apologize for the fact that my return will be some time yet. My initial estimates of construction timelines appear to be overly optimistic. A decade now seems more realistic, given the New Year’s ballistae incident which took out the top five floors and one exterior wall. (This is detailed further in the report.)

Your loyal servant,

Mairon

* * *

THE REPAIR AND CURRENT CONDITION OF TOL-IN-GAURHOTH

Table of contents

  1. Overview of report (pg 2)
  2. Current condition of fortress (pg 3)
  3. Status of workers (pg 4) 
    1. Maiar (pg 5)
    2. Orcs (pg 6)
    3. Thralls (pg 7)
  4. Progress to the repair process (pg 8)
  5. Complications to the repair process (pg 12)
  6. Pre-existing complications, previously known (pg 13)
  7. Pre-existing complications, previously unknown (pg 24) 
    1. New complications (pg 69)
    2. Environmentally created (pg 70)
    3. Elven created (pg 75)
    4. Orc created (pg 80) 
      1. New Year’s ballistae incident
      2. The alcohol incident
      3. The fire incident
  8. Conclusion (pg 200)



New Year’s ballistae incident

The following is a transcribed version of a conversation between Lieutenant Mairon (“LIEUTENANT”) and a series of Orc workers (“ORC 1…”).

LIEUTENANT: For the love of [redacted] will someone tell me what the [redacted] happened here?

ORC 1: Uhhh nothing?

LIEUTENANT: Nothing? (Voice rising in frustration) What do you mean nothing? The top four floors of the tower are completely missing—

ORC 2: Actually, um, the top _five_ —

LIEUTENANT: The top _five_? That’s even worse, you do understand how that’s worse, don’t you? Do you know how to count? You are aware that five is greater than four, correct, and therefore WORSE.

ORC 2 (stammering): Of course I know how to count—

LIEUTENANT: The top five floors. The western wall. All of them have been completely, utterly smashed. What, do tell, do you have to say for yourselves?

ORC 1: We, uh, may have also been smashed.

LIEUTENANT: _I’m_ going to smash you if you don’t tell me the truth, right now.

ORC 1 (to ORC 2): Did he just—

ORC 2 (to ORC 1, hissed): Shhh.

ORC 1: You see, my lord, uh. Yesterday was the celebration, of course, and after all our hard work in the siege of the tower, we all felt as though we deserved a little something, and so we drank the wine and—

LIEUTENANT: The wine. How much wine exactly?

ORC 1: … all of it?

LIEUTENANT: (short wordless scream) I— I don’t know how I’m going to do this. I— am _this close_ to giving up. What happened next.

ORC 2: And someone got the brilliant idea to, you know, play with the ballistae.

LIEUTENANT: The ballistae.

ORC 2: Yes, and (gestures to the damage) that happened.

LIEUTENANT: That happened.

/end transcript.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> do some weird html formatting, it'll be fun, I thought.  
> cut to: me desperately googling how to indent lists and crying
> 
> in other news school starts next week and i... am not ready


	3. Artifacts 02-05-06 to 02-05-08

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Continued correspondence.

Mairon,

Well, well, well. Never thought that you of all people would be so close to losing it completely— especially so soon after being in command. I thought you’d like this, I really did! How did you manage to survive all those years when I was in Valinor? Or did you die sometime in between and managed to resurrect yourself?

Since you seem so keen on regaling me with some interesting stories from your tenure in Tol-in-Gaurhoth, I’ve taken to prowling the halls of Angband to figure out what’s happening with them. Coincidentally, there seems to be a 100% decrease in productivity that’s perfectly correlated with me showing up, so, hey, you’re intelligent. I’m sure you could figure out what’s happening with that. Maybe I have an awesome sense for catching slackers.

It seems there’s SO MUCH gossip about the two of us. You won’t believe what some of the orcs say— that we play poker every week and you always win. EVERYONE knows that whenever we play poker, _I_ always win. Isn’t that right? Also, plenty of Angband’s denizens seem to think that you’re more terrifying than I am, which is blatantly untrue. Whoever I find spreading such blatantly untrue rumours will REGRET IT.

Anyways, have a pleasant month. I’m off to torture some elves.

M

* * *

My lord Melkor, Lord of the Fates of Arda, etc

Regrettably, you will not see me die of a stress-related aneurysm within the next few centuries yet. It will not be so easy to be rid of me. I will admit, however, that being in sole command is not in my nature, and as such, is not my strength. However, I will endeavour to make speedy improvements to best serve at Tol-in-Gaurhoth. Alas, I have not yet discovered how to have someone dead resurrect themselves, so I am not currently dead, though it would make for some interesting questions of necrophilia. My tenure between your exit and return was maintained through dedication to a greater cause (yours), recognition of a purpose, and many competent coworkers.

I begin to wonder if I have been deliberately sent with the most incompetent workers possible here.

While I am certain Angband’s remaining denizens greatly appreciate your engagement with the day to day processes required for its continued function, the 100% decrease in productivity is of utmost concern. Perhaps you might consider that it is your presence which causes this?

I wish you luck in your quest to quell the rumours. I completely agree with your assertion that you win at poker each time, and that you are far more terrifying than I am.

I do hope that you wouldn’t unnecessarily decrease our labour force’s productivity. As you know, torture is associated with a 49.6% decrease in productivity of miners and a 35.1% decrease in productivity of weavers.

As you are undoubtedly aware, winter is soon approaching, and the snowfall will undoubtedly extend south to Tol-in-Gaurhoth (see: Report of Meteorological Phenomena and the Impacts of Ainur, Year 2569). Therefore, reports may be delayed, as the roads become difficult to travel, and snowfall poses a risk to messengers. Furthermore, construction will have to halt for the duration of the winter months. Most of the construction garrison will be instructed to return to Angband, returning to Tol-in-Gaurhoth when the weather proves well enough to restart construction.

Attached, as always, is my report.

Yours,

Mairon

* * *

Mairon,

“Winter is soon approaching” yeah right. Winter’s already here and you know what that means! Snow fights, hot chocolate, and icicles. Too bad you aren’t here to enjoy. Oh I always love the look on your face when I shove snow down the back of your neck. You could send the construction garrison back, so why can’t you come yourself? I hope you’re not avoiding me.

Maybe you’re onto something with my presence causing the decrease in productivity. I’m too awesome and that distracts all the orcs. Oh well. I’ve found the rumour spreaders! Unfortunately it turns out it wasn’t so much rumours after all— they watched that game of ours in the throne room, which is totally unfair because that’s the ONE time you’ve ever beat me.

We have a meteorological report? Why wasn’t I aware of that?

Yesterday, I tried to make hot chocolate, but burned down the west wing of the top floor of Angband. Hey, at least it wasn’t the bottom floor! Since the walls collapsed and there was a small cave in. But don’t get your robes in a twist— it’s going to be fixed soon. How _do_ you make hot chocolate, anyways?

I better see you soon,

M

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> first day of the semester woohoo. it is very grey and cloudy where i am. a bit of a filler chapter but there will be Things happening very soon!


	4. Artifacts 02-05-09 to 02-05-11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A recipe and a not so small surprise.

My Lord Melkor,

The temperature has dropped rapidly to 30 degrees below freezing, and there has been more than a metre of snowfall within the past three days. While a possible explanation is that this is a completely natural phenomena, I am fully aware that this is your doing. Luckily, the last round of repairs concerning insulation and strengthening the outer walls were fully completed before this rogue meteorological event, and as such, I am writing this letter from a cozy heated room, and not soaking wet and up to my thighs in snow.

I greatly appreciate your concern for my well being.

Angband has a fully funded scientific research division that runs under my supervision. The division comprises twelve research groups, each focused on subjects ranging from engineering to biology. Each group aims to publish a report yearly, each of which is presented to you at the time of its publishing. Should you wish to refresh your memory of their contents, you will find them archived in the library, under “scientific research division,” each research group, and the published year.

The Angband cave-in is greatly unfortunate, though I do not know how such destruction on a large scale was managed in your attempt to make hot chocolate. For your reference, here is the recipe I use:

1 cup milk (cow’s milk)

¼ cup chocolate (ask the kitchen staff for the chocolate)

Salt, a pinch (do not add more than 1 teaspoon)

Sugar, to taste (add a tablespoon at a time)

Place milk in a pot and heat. Add chocolate and salt. Whisk constantly, until all chocolate is dissolved and milk simmers slightly. Taste for sweetness and add sugar as needed. Pour into a mug and drink.

Attached is my report. I hope this will be sufficient to tide you over until my return.

Yours,

Mairon

* * *

Mairon,

I KNEW THERE WAS A REASON WHY I SEDUCED YOU. That reason is your very excellent hot chocolate. I made it for myself just now and there were no earthquakes, fires, explosions, implosions, or other happenings. And you know what, it was ABSOLUTELY DELICIOUS. You really need to hurry up and come back to make me more food.

I’m afraid I don’t know what you mean about the decrease in temperature. It absolutely wasn’t my doing, nope! Are you sure it’s not Manwe, holding a grudge against you? He’s like that sometimes, you know, very very cold and completely inconsiderate.

Anyways, I’m sure I’ll see you soon. Very soon. (Don’t ask what that means)

M

* * *

My lord Melkor— WHY ARE YOU WRITING ME A LETTER I’M LITERALLY SITTING NEXT TO YOU

I regret to inform you that I will be tendering my resignation effective immediately— NOW LISTEN HERE MAIA YOU ARE DOING NO SUCH THING— and as such, will not be available for further communication.

Stop poking me, Melkor.

WHY ARE YOU WRITING ME A NOTE WHEN I’M RIGHT HERE.

Good question. Why are you writing as well?

YOU BETTER NOT BE RESIGNING.

Yes, it was called a joke. I’m sure you’re aware of their existence.

OH, A JOKE. OBVIOUSLY THAT WAS A JOKE AND NOT AN ATTEMPT TO MAKE ME MAD.

Why would I ever choose to do such a thing?

I HAVE NO IDEA.

Perhaps it has to do with the way you ambushed me immediately as I was finished dressing after a bath, dumped a ton of snow on me— extinguishing the fireplace as well, I might add, which meant I had to sit in wet clothes for an hour until dry firewood could be brought up.

WELL NOW THAT YOU PUT IT LIKE THAT.

Why are you here anyways?

I WANTED TO VISIT YOU.

… I was going to return to Angband once spring came.

TOO FAR AWAY.

We are immortals who have lived for all the ages of the world.

STILL. THAT’S MONTHS AWAY. AND THE HOT CHOCOLATE TASTES BETTER WHEN YOU MAKE IT.

… Is it because you don’t need to do anything then?

… MAYBE.

I’m not entirely sure what I expected.

COME ON YOU CAN’T STILL BE MAD AT ME CAN YOU?

Who said I was mad?

YOU’RE STILL NOT TALKING TO ME.

Well, make me if you care about it so much.

I WILL.

ARE YOU STILL MAD AT ME?

HAHA. I WIN.


	5. Artifacts 02-05-12 to 02-05-17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A pay raise requested, and a group of elves appear.

My lord Melkor,

If you are reading this, then no doubt you have checked in your robe pocket. This letter does not contain much information of great relevance. However, as you asked for my ice cream recipe, it is contained here:

2 cups heavy cream (35% fat content)

14 ounces sweetened condensed milk (ask kitchen staff for it)

Flavourings, as desired

Whip heavy cream until consistency of whipped cream (stiff peaks). Add flavourings to condensed milk, mix thoroughly, and fold condensed milk into whipped cream. Place in a container and freeze, ideally overnight.

Yours,

Mairon

* * *

Mairon,

WHERE’S THE ICE CREAM RECIPE?

M

* * *

My Lord Melkor,

I believe I told you, prior to your departure, that it would be placed inside your robe pocket. It will, with great certainty, still be there.

Everything has been quiet in Tol-in-Gaurhoth. I am pleased to report that the construction process is going much more smoothly now. Productivity is up 50%, mostly through the usage of cocaine to stimulate better performance.

Some of the orcs have gotten into their heads the idea of having an OR (short for Orc Resources) department, to deal with labour, compensation, and worker’s rights. Can you _believe_ the audacity? Compensation? A small group has banded together and sent me a proposed contract. I’ve attached it for your perusal. Speaking of which, I believe _I_ ought to be better compensated for my service.

  * Here is a list of tasks I have recently performed, none of which were stated in my initial job offer:
  * Planning and executing fortress repairs
  * Logistics throughout not one, but _two_ sieges
  * Cleaning dragon poop
  * Babysitting dragons
  * Polishing your armour
  * Listening to you complain about Feanor dying too soon
  * Listening to you complain about Fingolfin dying too soon
  * Listening to you complain about forgetting the third Finwion’s name (it’s Arafinwe, or most likely now, Finarfin)



This is only a sample of tasks, and should you need a chronological or alphabetized list, I will be enthusiastic to provide such a thing. Attached is a proposal for new terms of compensation, and my report.

Yours,

Mairon

* * *

Mairon,

No.

M

* * *

My Lord Melkor,

Everything has been going smoothly, though it is disappointing to hear of your answer. Nevertheless, I will endeavour to prove myself worthy of your love.

My estimates of construction taking a decade were, I must admit, woefully pessimistic. It will be complete by the end of the year, barring any major disasters. The new construction garrison which arrived two weeks ago will be of utmost use in this process.

My spies in the area have reported remarkably little movement on the part of the elves (as you will see detailed later in the report) though it has been said that Finrod Felagund is no longer (the self proclaimed) King of Nargothrond. The exact details, I have not yet ascertained, though I am certain that it will be forthcoming.

Ah, I should add: I have captured a group of eleven elves (more like five now) and one man. Their leader, a blond elf, tried challenging me to a song battle— which I won, quite easily. By my next report, I will be able to tell you their identities and purpose.

I’ll see you soon.

Mairon

* * *

Mairon,

Where are you?

M

* * *

Curator’s note: Here ends the first collection of letters from what is being called the First Age. While much of these documents remain untranslated, some words have been identified including the still used today “Sauron,” suggesting a connection to the old folk story of the Duel of Sauron and Finrod Felagund. Could this be the long awaited link between story and history? These answers we do not yet have for you, though with patience and continued research, we remain certain they will come in time.

To learn more about the New Gondor Museum, visit https://newgondormuseum.com, or call 231-348-1298 to book an appointment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> asdlfkasd;lf so sorry for the wait--I haven't been able to find time to post
> 
> anyways, that wraps up this fic!! stay tuned for other things coming.... i don't know when.

**Author's Note:**

> comments are loved and cherished. you can also find me on tumblr @psychedaleka :)


End file.
